Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
