So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
did i just pee glitter
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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