How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
you inspire me to be a worse person
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
