So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
