The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
