I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
