i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
