I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
