So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
