My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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