He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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