the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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