she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
