Your mouth is God's brothel.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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