Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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