you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
