If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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