who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
