i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
