we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
