Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
