Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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