Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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