At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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