my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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