this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
