just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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