he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
