fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
