someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
