Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
