I puked a lego.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
