if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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