got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
