I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
