Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
