Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
