dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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