What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
