So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
