Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
