A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
We got so high we made milksteak
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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