Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
