He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
