i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
