Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
