my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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