I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
