then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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