Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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