I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
